Certainty

Imagine yourself at a baseball game, or at Coney Island, any context where eating a hotdog in 2021 isn’t weird.

Now imagine, the hot dog never ends. You keep chewing, and it never diminishes, just bread and ketchup forever. At some point, the simple pleasure would turn to curiosity, then horror or boredom. Now you can’t even stand hot dogs.

I’m in NYC starting the long process of doing open mics, meeting people, constantly questioning myself, and trying to slowly build what could be considered a career.

Its exciting and its not easy.

I worked really hard to get here. I have bided my time for 8 years. As I’ve recounted plenty of times on this blog, I used to be a musician. The original plan ten years ago was to throw everything into music. Then Berklee fell through because of student loans and then touring died before it started because I can’t stand not being self sufficient.

So I worked and waited, and built an escape plan. Now I am here, and like all plot turns, the goal is never quite what you thought it would be.

The other night, I was driving home from what felt like my best mic set to date. It was 95% comics, but there was a small crowd of normal people, and I made them laugh most of the time. It felt so good.

I’ve been asking myself a lot of why questions in New York. At first it was too much, then I had some big sea changes in my life and now I don’t quite feel so manic and racing. I’m settling into whatever the fuck this season of life is about to be.

But driving home from what felt like a bright spot, a very simple thought stuck with me.

Things ending is what makes things good.

As certainty addicted beings in an uncertain world, the concept of forever is our heroin.

Its the highest high our minds can conceive of. So we attach it to important things. We vow it at weddings, we promise it to the faithful in heaven, we scare people with it with hell or punishments.

The only certainty is no certainty.

This is sad to me some days, and other days beautiful. I wrote a long time ago that everyone is moving away from you. Some time, some day. You have no choice but to learn to be ok with yourself and be grateful for the cameo people play.

But once you accept this premise, it can be freeing.

Permanence is like water. The right amount is fundamental to being alive, too much makes you drown.

We do have to have some bedrocks. I need to know that I have friends that love me no matter what, I need to have certain unquestioned self concepts like I am more or less a good person, I am strong minded, I am good at things.

But doing better, growing in any direction usually involves accepting chaos. Old folks home are very quiet, kindergartens are fucking chaos. Because everything is new.

I hope that whoever you are, that the end doesn’t scare you, but motivates you to fully release whatever you have to give. I hope that for me too.