internet self defense

The other day, somebody said something shitty to me on the internet.

I’m pretty sure this person secretly wants to do comedy, and those are the people who act the weirdest around comics. They either overdo it, or they try to tear you down. My guess is that me doing something I like reminds them that they could too, and instead of trying, they need me to be beneath them so I don’t loom over them. Or maybe they just fucking hate me, their reasons are unknowable to me.

Its times like that I encounter that familiar moment where you are weighing the worth of responding. I love roast comedy, and I have plenty to say, and like most comics I can tell what you don’t like about yourself in seconds.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about the benefit of conflict. When is it worth it, and when it is not. What I have decided is that it is almost never worth it to defend yourself.

If you know anything about martial arts, you know that their is an entire industry based on self defense, and most of it is hot ineffective dangerous garbage.

Thats kind of how I feel about digital conflict.

Its funny to me, if I dropped my phone in the river that day this person said some silly shit to me, I would have never known. The hurt is only real if I decide to pick it up and interact with. And in the right light, its clear that it says more about their hurt and what they think of themselves than it does anything about me.

But if you are like me, you want to be liked, and you want to be loved, and you want to be adored for your genius. What is the opposite of all these things? Its being misunderstood.

But misunderstanding is a two man job. If I don’t want to play, then you have a problem, we don’t have anything.

Making yourself understood is a tough business, and for artists I don’t even know if its worth it.

Making art and being understood are not the same thing, not even close.

Every artist that you like is someone who was willing to be ridiculed. They did not set out to make themselves targets or to target anyone, they were just honoring some inner directive, that is holy to me.

I think about Prince being super short and dressing like a vampire going to prom, and looking fucking amazing the whole time. What did it cost him to dress like that, he must have known that most of what he was presenting would not be liked by most, but then in time would be loved by all. Beautiful

So much of internet culture is about conflict. I just got over being sick, and I spent most of my time in a nest of trash and blankets watching an endless scroll of stupid videos online. I talked about this in a previous post, about taking a versus fast. About not watching anything that is about people getting PWNED or DEMOLISHED or whatever the fuck. But the truth is our brains are wired to look for stimulation, and fighting is stimulating.

Its not wrong to fight, but fighting for the wrong thing is shameful. Also long term, when I die, I don’t want to go to the grave knowing that when I had the choice, I chose to lash out over nothing. And I promise you, even though it doesn’t feel like it to me, the internet is nothing. All that matters is you and me.

Every man has a sewer that runs through the city of his heart, its a necessary function of a metropolis. But if the sewer runs lose it will poison and ruin everything. Its not wrong to have that in you, its only wrong when you use it against people.

I’m not a saint, I take almost sexual delight in dunking on shit heads at comedy shows who try to ruin the show, but I’m willing to bet that 99% of conflict is distraction. You are trying so hard to not look at yourself and change, that you are willing to fight anyone and everyone.

To whatever degree you succumb to this, you will never be happy. Fight your own wars, build your own kingdom. You don’t have to make anyone small so you can be big. The truth is we are all small and we are all infinite in our own way.