close your eyes

I am in New York, going into the wilderness of a new future. It was very emotional to leave. Lots of people I care about that I have to say goodbye to, lots of things I was never able to quite reach that I have to drop for now too. But today I feel relief.

I am not a meditation guy, I am a restless leg syndrome in human form. But the first day I was here I had a very simple experience that brought me a lot of comfort. I was taking a long shower (which is the only length of shower I am interested). On the trip up here, first by plane then the never ending hand offs of public transport, I felt exposed. I carried about 80 pounds of rolling luggage through the city looking like the prototype of a mark or at least feeling like one. But mostly I felt vulnerable.

As I sat in the shower, the thought came to me “a lot could go wrong here, but a lot could go right”. And for me, today, this week, that is enough.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to notice, but closing your eyes in meditation is a profound thing in and of itself. When we die, things go black. Maybe there is a light after that, maybe the TV just turns off forever. No one can say. But closing your eyes, even for a few seconds is a rehearsal of death. And because of that, it is the great scale on which all decisions can be weighed accurately. Evaluating things in the dark of death makes them make simpler. In times like that, being shitty to people for petty reasons doesn’t sit well. Being afraid to pursue things because you don’t want to humiliate yourself is unforgivable. When you close your eyes you realize that just being able to open them back up is a gift that should never get old for us.

I came to New York because I am curious about myself and the world, and I have to know. I have to know what will happen if I focus and apply myself. What I find out is beyond my control, but the finding out is in my control and thats why I am here. A lot of futures got sacrificed to be here, and I am going to honor them all by bringing my best. Whatever that adds up to is irrelevant. Whenever I close my eyes and can’t open them again one day, I will be smiling.