the fear of perceived vice

I can’t think of a single meaningful thing that I’ve ever tried to do or be, that wasn’t dogged by some kind of well intentioned but unhelpful fear. For me, one of the most common is what I call the fear of perceived vice.

Here is what I mean: when I was in my early 20’s, for no reason, I became obsessed with blues harmonica. Much to my then wife’s chagrin, it was all I listened to or thought about. I was playing 2-3 hours a day, googling how to customize harmonicas like pro’s. I remember I used to walk to the train stop where we lived in Karlslunde, and i would listen to Sonny Boy Williamson II the whole way and play my harp, trying to glean every little detail from the early blues masters. I was a maniac about it.

In retrospect, what I should have done, is just start a blues band. Fully embrace the obsession.

Instead, it just kinda bled into all the other stuff I did. I fronted a singer songwriter/rock band at the time so I would play harp with them, I would play in church worship services sometimes, etc.

But I think I avoided the band idea because even though I was pretty good, I knew I wasn’t some kind of blues harp god. I knew my voice was more clean toned and not the growly old man voice we normally hear in blues. I didn’t want other people to think that I thought I was better than I was.

The fear of what I thought I would look like ultimately made me look like nothing.

Because I was so worried about looking like I had some kind of vice, I missed an entire opportunity to develop a skill and a virtue.

This has never truly gone away for me.

Lately, when I am in a comedy writing funk, some times I will play my little travel guitar and walk around the house. I will tell my jokes over the guitar. Something about it seems to make the boredom of brainstorming a little more fun. I was telling this to a fellow comic and they asked if had ever considered playing guitar on stage in a comedy context. I told them I had, but I was worried that people would perceive it as lazy or whatever. I don’t really want to be a guitar comic, there are plenty of shitty ones and only a few good ones, but the fact that I think I can’t even try is just garden variety fear of vice bullshit.

Even now, like right fucking now, as I write this, part of me wants to throw it away. I just wrote a blog Sunday, is that too much? Something about what I am writing sounds like advice, who the fuck am I to offer it? I don’t want you the reader to think I am guilty of ________________.

All this type of thinking, is the air bag of insecurity deploying before there’s actually is any impact.

The truth is, I have people in my life that no matter what, are just thoroughly unimpressed with me. They think I am bad or so much worse, corny haha.

Other people (very few) treat me like I am some kind of undiscovered genius who is a day away from stardom at any point.

The probability that either is completely accurate is very low. Like you, I’m probably a little bit of a genius, and. I am without a doubt a little bit corny or hack or whatever worst case scenario feeling.

It’s fascinating to me to see how simply a fear is outlined on paper, how silly it looks, but I don’t take them lightly because I know I have let them shut me down in the past.

What a waste of time to let the fear of looking like some specific type of sinner stops you from your own miracle.

Give what you have to give, let others worry about what it looks like.