Sadness/Math

I have never in my life had an affinity for math. When I was in second grade, I got so frustrated trying to learn fractions that I cried, and i haven’t stopped crying since. Doesn’t help that I was educated in a state in which every school I ever went to had trailer classrooms. Kinda obvious that education was not a big budget item for SC, so maybe I wasn’t the only one bad at math.

If I dig deeper into it, why I have always been at odds with it, its because I’m bad at objectivity. I have always not understood concrete yes or no things. This theme has shown up in my life to this day.

Growing up in karate, there are two major things all karate students learn besides basics, and that is kata and kumite. Kumite is sparring. It’s messy, tricky, and very real. The consequences are immediate, but you can make mistakes and recover.

Kata is the preset forms. It’s like ice skating. I don’t mean that as a joke, ice skating is hard as hell. You have to land exactly in stances, you have to move through the pattern exactly. If you make even a small mistake, you lose.

Moving to Denmark, I soon learned how bad I was at bureaucracy. Everything in Denmark is so well organized, compared to the south at least. There is a line for everything, a process, a form you have to fill out. If you do the right steps you’re golden, but if not, you are absolutely mercilessly fucked. I think I struggled with that kind of objectivity not unlike any young person does.

Some part of me runs from the concrete.

The way I have gotten by in life is through the intangibles. Maybe it’s my spiritual side, maybe its invisible social skills, maybe its ADHD on its best behavior, I cant say.

I don’t think about this much, but the other day I had a memory come back to me of leading worship in Denmark.

Long time readers will know I have a complicated relationship to my religious past, but it wasn’t all gloom or negatives. I think I was able to find parts of me in the church.

I remember leading worship on a weekend evening service. The lights were dimmed, it was mostly in English since it was an international service. I had picked out my songs completely by feel. And I lead the service that way. Then something happened.

At some point the music kinda broke loose, the spirit in the room changed, and it felt like we were not just strangers standing on hard floors with our eyes closed, but we entered this peace. This magic bubble in which everything important was closer somehow. That happened to me or dare I say through me many times back then. I would just catch a wave.

I have felt a similar wave elsewhere. When I was a songwriter, I always knew I had this one thing: if you put me in a room, no matter how rowdy, I could make people hear me. You might not like what I’m doing, but I know how to focus the space.

I felt this when I was teaching kids. There were just some days where despite my talent, I was teaching past myself and creating a moment.

And every now and then, I know how to liberate the room.

Even now in comedy, that is the high I have moved to New York to chase. That feeling of changing the environment with the power of your ideas. Of making near things far and far things near. That to me is art.

The problem with this kind of etherial temparment, is its is a jealous mistress. You have to spend time in your gift, with your gift, and every step you walk away it walks away too.

Even worse, you have to live in the muddy tracks of every day life. Some times I feel like my life is a civil war between trying to make enough money to be a success, and trying to make enough art to give my life meaning. When people quit art to make money and have security I completely understand. And when people give up on financial solvency to be an artist, I completely understand that too. To borrow the bible, you can’t serve both God and mammon.

The dark side of having soft skills in a hard world, is that you are probably very sensitive. When you are the right type of sensitive, you are often picking up signals that can overwhelm you and are hard to interpret. Maybe its from your own deep unknowable heart, maybe its from the environment. You are a little lovely radio, toggling between channels. Sensitive people suffer in a unique way that I don’t think I really put my finger on til I moved.

Ironically, this is where math can be the antidote to the overwhelm.

Part of the overwhelm for sensitive types and artists is the lack of objectivity. It’s very hard to know what is real sometimes in life. My feelings are bigger than my metrics.

This is why, in hard times, I do what I am doing now. I start taking measurements of how things are going.

I write down my goals sure, but beyond that, I go deep. I write down how many throws I practice in judo, I write down daily how many dollars my business is making, I write down how many mics I have gone, I write down how many jokes I have that I feel are working for me.

Data data data

Somehow, this knowledge gives my heart a budget overview. It calms the deep seated fear of not progressing, it makes me grateful, and it shows me that I may just be a few reps or a couple thousands reps from something I really want.

If you are anything like me, and are having a confusing year, I encourage you to try this. Make a scoreboard of everything you care about. Sometimes you forgot about the odds you have been up against. Some times you are closer than you think. But its very hard to know without those numbers.

Keep your radio tuned, but keep your numbers too.