examine your fears
Yesterday, while reading a book, I realized something about myself that has alluded me for years.
In the moment, I was reading a new wonderful book Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price. And I was thinking about why I haven’t lifted weights in two years. For a grappler, lifting is pretty much mandatory. If you have even the slightest competition desire, you have to, and as we age lifting is a great way to keep the body strong and injury free.
But man, I just. don’t. wanna.
Two years ago when I was prepping for Masters Worlds, I got a strength coach and it was amazing. I loved seeing my body respond to the training, and I was proud at the fear I overcame from my back injuries to lift.
But the underside of that training was a lot of misery. And not events typical misery of exercise. It wasn’t being sore, or having to be alone, or eat different, this is what I hated the most: the moment I would be pushing myself in a lift, there was a voice in my head that said “you don’t like this, you’re not really interested in struggle”. I’m voicing the fear poorly, but it wasn’t a passing “oh I’m not good at this”, it was a supreme court decision on the fact that I’m a soft boiled pussy of a man. A lazy man, that has always been lazy, will never get his head above the bar of success, and his future kids will inherit this frailty.
I know that sounds dramatic, but I swear thats how I felt and feel.
So to recap, the mystery of why ole Joey Cokes doesn’t go to Planet Fitness has been officially solved haha.
But seriously, reading this book has made me face one of my own deepest fears, that I am lazy. In a country who’s ethos was shaped by Pilgrims, being lazy is literally considered a sin. Sloth. And even though I do think laziness does exist, I think that much of laziness is not moral failing, it is context that you haven’t addressed.
For example, when I am beating someone’s ass in grappling, I never for one second think “this is because I am generationally determined to win, I am mentally tougher than them, and I have the heart of a lion”. Usually my thought is “ah, he doesn’t realize that he’s making a mistake with his arm positioning” etc.
But when I lose, its the other way. Its the summary judgement. Because in some way, it is connected to this deep seated fear of being lazy.
The irony is that the fear of being lazy or seeming lazy has greatly affected my productivity.
I still haven’t signed up for the gym. I know for a fact there are some things in comedy I haven’t done because my fear of being lazy is adding complications to my calculations.
Its so fucking stupid when you write it out.
But in my heart it makes so much sense.
For me, the way forward is:
recognizing something that the author points out: sometimes when you are being “lazy”, it isn’t because you don’t care, its because you care so much that it paralyzes you. You must break the task down, the more it matters.
understanding that doing nothing is an acceptable use of time.
sometimes being “lazy” is you misunderstanding yourself and your context.
All the worlds I am worship at the altar of grinding. Air BnB, comedy, grappling. Everyone talks about this shit non stop. But you wouldn’t call a horse lazy if it couldn’t run 18 hours a day through a desert. You would recognize that every animal has a limit to what its muscle and mind can endure before it needs rest and comfort. You are no worse and no better.
So examine your fears, if you can, if you have the time, you may be delightfully shocked by what you learn about yourself.